Getting Beyond ‘How was your day?’
9.16.2024 | Heather Cooper
As children grow up, their lives expand — with friends, school, sports, hobbies and part-time jobs. It’s too easy to lose touch. What are they doing? How are they feeling? How are they really feeling?
Getting children, tweens and teens to engage in meaningful conversations isn’t always easy. Rare is the kid who eagerly downloads you. (If you’re lucky enough to have one of these, soak it in!) Most kids dislike being peppered with questions the minute they get home from school. They’re apt to clam up until they’ve had time to unwind. You can help them transition by offering a warm welcome home, a snack and some space. This is also a smart approach for those kids who need to get their homework done first thing and can’t relax until it’s finished. In any case, respect their needs.
When your child is in a talking mood, let them begin the conversation if possible, so you can learn what’s on their mind. If you need to get the talk flowing, ask a specific question or share something personal from your own day. Then, let them talk. Be a good listener and validate their feelings. Don’t interrupt, criticize or lecture. If your child brings up a problem, resist the urge to dictate a solution. Instead, brainstorm some ideas together.
Many kids are more talkative while something else is going on: riding in the car, preparing dinner or walking the dog. If your child loves to have their back scratched, their feet rubbed or their nails painted, that’s an ideal time to open up a discussion. And for some kids, bedtime is when they crave a heart-to-heart talk.
If there’s a proven time and place for meaningful conversations, it’s family meals — as long as all phones are banned from the table. You might even start the daily tradition of each family member sharing a ‘rose,’ a good thing from their day, and a ‘thorn,’ a difficult thing from their day.
If your child approaches you and needs to talk, give them your full attention. They need to know that they are your priority. Honest and meaningful conversations will build your child’s self-esteem and self-knowledge, and strengthen your relationship — now and in the future.